drusillas_rain

For the past few years I've been part of a local critique group. We meet every 2 weeks and about 8-12 of us give our feedback to 2 authors who submit either a short story or a chapter of a longer story. Tonight I'm up.

Last January I submitted a short story that I couldn't go back to to until about a month ago. The comments were all valid - the members are very good about giving praise as well as what needs to be fixed - but it's just so hard for me to figure out what to do with the feedback once I receive it. It's also incredibly crushing to hear that many people tell you that you suck. Well, it's not that they do that, it's just what I hear and what I'm left with.

I've learned a lot about writing over the past year, and over the past month I went back and completely rewrote what I submitted last year. Tonight, the new draft is being re-critiqued.

I really thought I'd be fine, but I have the feeling that tomorrow I'm not going to be ok. It's like today I love the world, but tomorrow everything will be more gray. Part of me doesn't even want to show up. Another part of me is curious what they'll say.

I want to be published. I want this to be the best story I can write. I know that the only way this is going to happen is if I get feedback on it, because inevitably I'll have missed something (or a million somethings). I just don't know how to be ok with the process.

Part of it is that it's in person. Part of it is information overload. And that not everyone in the group reads or likes fantasy. The group is also of varying levels - some are published and others (like me) aren't. Some have a really good sense of how to fix a manuscript, others are clueless. I know all these things, yet, last time I went through this process (and the other 2x I've submitted things) I found it incredibly difficult to separate out the good feedback from the useless.

Tomorrow, I want to be ok. I don't want to get depressed and mope and stop writing, which is what happened last year. I don't want to leave this story for another year and not submit it anywhere. Or not even be able to look at it. I'm tired about thinking about writing and not actually writing. I want to be ok with what I've written. And with myself.

I've already decided that my mantra for this year is to keep on fighting. I guess tonight is my first big test.

zomg, I just received my snupin_santa prompt! I'm so excited and nervous and will probably be wibbling about it over the next few months! (gah! only 2 1/2 months to write and edit! gah!) But, really, it's a fantastic match!